I woke up early today even knowing that I’m still tired and recovering from the busy week and schedule that I had for both school and work but it just hit to me the question, why do I write anyways?
Is it because I want fame? Is it because it makes me different than others? Is it because it makes me feel good? Is it because it comforts me? Is it because I just write for myself? Is it because I want to share important information that others might need? Is it because I’m just bored? Is it because I’m proving to someone that I am a writer? Is it because it helps me regain my self-esteem and confidence?
Those questions hit me while I am reflecting and remembered the roots of why I write. As a kid, my mom would always tell me that I must pursue teaching and everything that is language related because that’s one of my mom’s dreams; to become an author of a great book. I remembered too, that I always rejected that and I never saw myself 21 years after that I would be writing. I could still remember the first time I tried to write, it was on Wattpad, and I had lots of ideas that I want to write but I just couldn’t organize it. I look up too much and was so full of myself, hoping that I, too, could publish a great book, but it never happened anyways. Until I had the idea that I would start a blog.
I started this blog way back 2016 I guess, I was so depressed and lonely that time. I had lots of anxiety attacks and all I could do that time was to lay on my bed and stare at the blank ceiling. I was just always with my phone and that was my companion all throughout my worst anxiety attacks every night. One day, I stumbled upon a friend, which is, I admire the most, as to the way she talks intelligently and writes professionally. It happened that she had a WordPress blog and I tried writing at WordPress and it made me happy.
Though I write for another platform, it’s more about short stories of myself–more of like a poetic platform. I just write there whenever I had anxiety attacks. That platform witnessed all the sadness I vented out through making short, poetic, freestyle verses. That platform was Launchora. I wrote there for years and when I thought I was not having anxiety attacks anymore, I stopped writing there. I didn’t leave, it’s just that I think I can’t continue anymore because whatever I do, I would always feel like I’m an outcast and no one will ever care and notice about that, no one will ever appreciate my works. I’m not seeking attention, it’s just that I felt so sad and alone there. Maybe because that is the only platform where I can vent out my feelings whenever I feel sad and lonely and have anxiety attacks. I admit that was the platform I’m so ashamed to share about because it’s just too personal and I’m ashamed people might see the true, depressed me.
Anyways, coming back at WordPress, I was so inspired making blog posts and I admit I was so inconsistent in updating this blog for the reason that, first, I have a busy schedule, second, I have no stable internet connection and third, it’s just that I’m not that hyped up to publish one. At first, I also felt lonely here at WordPress but I stumbled again into a blog which is, ate Kat or Kat. She was the 2nd blogger I looked up the most, I admire how consistent she is in her blog and how organized she was as to her content (plus the grammar and the way how she writes). Later then, she introduced me to a community of Filipino bloggers in WordPress and that was a big help because I never felt lonely in WordPress anymore. I never felt like I was just the only one reading my posts and no one will ever read it but after that “breakpoint,” I noticed some people are now reading my posts and I gained new friends too.
After months of trying to be consistent, at least publishing one post per month, I realized that I must not write just for my own satisfaction but to provide important information as well to other people that might help them. At first, it was hard for me to be really consistent but I think writing also helped me manage my time well and dedicate a day in my busy schedule just for writing and reflecting.
Another thing that I must admit too, is that I thought at first that when I write, I will always be one step ahead of people who aren’t good at writing. I always thought before that writing a good “essay” makes me better and that writing is a competition.
But nevertheless, of all those reasons, I am sure of just one thing. I write because I wanted to. To be honest, when I was just starting, my only agenda in writing was to make a label out of my name, to be known to others and to write just for myself and my satisfaction. I could still remember 2 years ago when I published my very first product review, it took me 1 day to make the decision in publishing it in public. I admit I’m not confident in my writings. I’m afraid of criticisms as to my grammar and my content but as time flew by, I just brushed away all those fears and continued publishing posts and just realized, I am slowly regaining my confidence and self-esteem that I lost when I had anxiety attacks and depression.
Now, I am certain to answer those questions I had in my mind that I write because it comforts me, I write because I want to, I write because it makes me happy, I write because it slowly helps me regain my confidence and I’m now more open to criticisms that might help in improving myself and lastly, I write because I knew myself more that after 21 years, I’m now dreaming to be a great writer.
As of now, I still couldn’t make a promise to be that consistent but I swear, I’ll be coming back every now and then just to update to you guys. I could also not promise to be that confident yet in my writings that I’ll be promoting it to my socials but I’m hoping I’ll get there. I’ll work on it, to get to the level wherein promoting my writings either to my friends and families will not be a shameful feeling for me anymore.
I don’t know if this post makes any sense at all but this is what I’ve been thinking for weeks already. I guess, I already answered everything that’s been bothering my mind. Now, if I may, let me ask you. How about you? Have you also thought about it? Do you ever question yourself why do you write?