This pandemic has got me thinking too much and i think I finally reached my roots. I’m not quite sure yet but i think I have identified it already. Getting back to things I love to do before and lost passion about is really an amazing feeling.
This is going to be a super personal topic but this just popped out of my mind. This is super random to just share for being MIA for the past few months but i just wanted to jot this down. So here’s some story time for you. Carry on.
Back then, when i was just on my early teenagers years, I also experienced what teenagers usually have had experienced. I’ve been a black sheep in the family, I don’t listen to anyone, not even my mom, and i always think that everything i do was right. Now that I’m quite an adult now, I’ve realized that i made pretty big bull out of my teenage years which i regret the most.
My 23rd birthday is nearing and i don’t know. It just hit me. The regret. The regret of not telling, of disobeying and wasting so much time before. Everything i did before during my rebellion years as a teenager was just a waste of time, effort, and money. I didn’t gain anything. Maybe i did but just for temporary.
I’ve been coping hard and adjusting to balancing both work, career, life and passion. I’m not yet getting the hang of it but i think i could manage. So here’s the amazing feeling, I was out of Tumblr and WordPress for a long time and i don’t tend to open these apps on my phone for a quite a while too. I tried opening my Tumblr account and boom, that’s when it hit me.
Tumblr is my comfort place. Whenever i use it, it is when i mentally breakdown and everything i have and see there just gives me inner peace, satisfaction and motivation. Whenever I’m logged in, i would always remember the times that I was able to get myself more, my passions and dreams, just sulking and scrolling through the page while everything outside my room was just pure chaos. I like how it reminds me of a gloomy and rainy day where i get to snuggle in bed and playing Christmas songs while I’m drinking something warm. For short, it reminds me of my Christmas breaks during my college days where i get to do absolutely nothing aside from knowing myself, just stuck in my room, completely unproductive. I don’t know the magic behind this website but it’s clearly really different from the toxic social medias existing now.
Then I learned WordPress which is second closest to my heart. It is where i get to express myself freely without people knowing that it was me, the one they resented the most. No one knows me here in real life settings which i love because in person, no one really wanted my presence nor acknowledged my thoughts or feelings. I’ve been doing MIA on this blog ever since, forgive me for that, but i just didn’t want my passion to write to become a chore. I write if i want to, if i have the idea, time or motivation. I find inner peace, solitude and tranquility whenever i do writing. My life is generally just chaos and writing is the least that i can do to keep up.
Now why do i mention this? Well, back to the story when i was a teenager, I struggled so much during those teenage years. It was very tiring and now that I’m getting old, I’m reaping all of that physical stress I’ve put myself years ago.
Now that I’m on my early 20s, I’ve realized all the unnecessary crap i did before just because i thought that time was cool. It was never cool to stay out at night, worrying my mom where I’ve been. It was not cool to try vices with stupid friends. It was never really cool at all. If only i knew back then that my passion was Tumblr, WordPresss and art and stationery, I would have saved myself from all the hassle i had to go through before just to look cool. I could have just stayed at home, cuddle myself up, eat my warm noodles and binge-watch on Netflix or some television series or just draw and stick some stickers on my planners. I could have saved that energy for something else.
I know regretting all these things would not undo the past. Yes, it was fun that i met a lot of people, i experienced things that i thought was cool, i gained temporary fame and friends but none of them really matters now. All of those things i experienced during my rebellion was long gone, buried deeply somewhere, and will definitely not do that cheapness again.
It’s not bad to be reminded of our past or look into our past. All that matters is the present and the people who showed up during my hardest. I think this was the root of what kind of woman i became today. If i had not experienced all of these on my past, would i still be the same as to what i am now?